For the past two months I have been texting Alex—team illustrator, best friend, emotional support—weekly, telling her that I'm still at a loss for ideas. Any sort of creative fervor escaped me, and not in the way I’m used to where I don’t have the mental stamina or means to create something I have put together in my head, but in the sense that I feel like I have reached the absolute ends of my creativity. Stagnancy is something I’m familiar with, usually it hits and resolves itself after a week or two, and after this prolonged creative drought I’m honestly kind of terrified of never getting out of it.
So I wanted to sit and write it all out and share the things I've been doing to push myself out of whatever the hell this dry spell is. After wracking my brain for days on end and trying to understand my own feelings, I've concluded that it's the rigid schedule I've given myself that has been weighing on my ribs. This instinctual need to constantly put out content to engage people on the internet at least two times a week, both for the zine as well as my personal socials- which is honestly just unrealistic. As much as consistency plays a part in success (whatever that even is), I’ve found that waking up everyday with a new deadline I’ve assigned to myself has me drained before I even get out of bed. So I’ve just been getting up and going, seeing anything but the four walls of my room and taking my dog for a run blaring music in my headphones. Soaking in the moonlight and feeling the ground under my feet and giving my thoughts a bigger space to bounce around, giving myself room to move.
I write about music every day, every single day. I don’t remember the last time I listened to a song and didn’t start to analyze and jot down my thoughts, turning something made to be an escape feel like work. I’m doing what I love with the people adore, but listening to the same song for a day straight trying to put eloquent words together can get numbing. So now I'm relearning my means of inspiration and finding new muses, putting on a film I’ve never seen before or walking around an antique mall for hours, picking up on how others feel their own feelings and just taking it all in. In the end, I know that I need to keep trying my best. Maybe today my best is thinking about my to-do list and not crying, and tomorrow it could be writing two pieces and answering all my emails. If you're in the same place know that the ebbs and flows of creativity are normal and as much as it feels like it, you aren't done yet. So just keep trying.